Guest Post by Best Selling Author Kerry Patterson

Have you ever had to face down a raging executive who was armed with an agenda—his nostrils flared and his ego inflamed? Or how about this: the leader you’re working with eagerly supported the plan you jointly developed, but when the plan hit a bump in the road, she stepped away, leaving you to face the backlash and criticism alone.

Fortunately, there are ways of successfully working with difficult leaders. Following are two useful pieces of advice—along with a few tips for handling each.

Talk Immediately and Directly about Problems. You’ll never resolve problems until you talk about them.
Often, even thinking about talking to a leader about a perceived problem or barrier with his or her leadership style is enough to intimidate us. This is because we run through the discussion in our head and every single time, it ends in disaster. We bring up an issue, the leader becomes defensive or angry, and we end up suffering. So we back away before we get into something we can’t handle.

But it doesn’t have to play out this way. Years of watching people who are skilled at holding crucial confrontations taught us that if you employ the right skills, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. So, if you’re tired of suppressing your concerns and quietly nursing an ulcer, try talking it out using the following five steps:

1. Start with your good intentions. Ask for permission to talk in private about an issue that has you concerned. Once you sit down to talk, thank the leader for taking the time. The first thirty seconds set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Explain that your desire is to work through a problem in a way that meets both of your needs. This well-known win/win tactic seems obvious enough, but many people enter conversations with the goal of improving only their own situation, and that’s not a good starting position.

2. Focus on the one issue you care about most. If you’ve waited a long time to speak your mind, you may have a whole list of gripes you’d like to air. Don’t do it. Instead, work on one issue at a time. Give the other person time to digest, respond to, and work on your concerns before starting with another issue.

This often calls for careful analysis. Which issue should you address? To narrow the field, ask yourself what you really want for yourself, for the other person, and for the relationship. For example, if what you want most is a trusting working relationship, address the pattern of missed commitments first, and wait till that’s resolved before tackling a problem with micromanagement.

3. Stick to the facts. Describe the problem you’re experiencing by starting with the facts. For example, you asked a leader to take on a task but the deadline came and went and he or she never even got started. This is a fact. You may feel that the leader is shirking responsibility, but this is a conclusion. Conclusions are often inflammatory, can be wrong, and frequently create defensiveness. So start with the facts. What specific actions led you to your conclusions?

4. Suggest replacement behaviors. After you’ve explained the problem you’re currently experiencing, suggest what you’d prefer. “It would work better for me if you’d let me know ahead of time when you won’t be able to perform a task.” More often than not, people behave poorly because they don’t see alternatives. Provide them with alternatives. If necessary, jointly brainstorm until you come up with a strategy you can both support.

5. Define “who does what by when” and express your thanks. Finally, as you wind down the discussion—taking care to describe exactly what each of you will do to help improve your working relationship—be sure to express your appreciation for the leader’s willingness to listen to your concerns.

Those who possess these skills and hold crucial confrontations with their leaders are more satisfied with their jobs and less likely to seek alternative career options. Regularly engaging in healthy crucial confrontations and sharing your concerns with your leader will strengthen relationships, improve teamwork, and restore much of the meaning and joy that attracted you to your job in the first place.

About the Author

Kerry Patterson is the coauthor of the New York Times bestsellers Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. He is also a sought-after speaker and consultant and cofounder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance. www.vitalsmarts.com