By Kerry Patterson

You’re discussing a thorny problem with your work team when suddenly a rather off-the-wall idea comes to you. You enthusiastically explain your brainchild and are met with looks of surprise. You push on ahead and encounter further silence. Finally, one of your more senior employees states: “I don’t know . . . how does everyone feel about this?” After an awkward pause, someone suggests, “Well, if that’s what the boss wants, maybe we can make it work.” Caught up in the moment, you push on ahead with your plan and end the discussion by making assignments. As you exit the tension-filled room, you think to yourself: “Getting people to take part in a meeting is like pulling teeth!”

Of course, what was really going on in the meeting was that people didn’t agree with your idea. But you’re the boss and past experience has taught them that openly disagreeing with a person in authority can get them into trouble. So they find safer ways to say “no.” They do so subtly, in case the boss tries to punish them for not being a team player. If they merely hint at their concerns, they can maintain plausible deniability in the event that power players become upset. “No, I wasn’t disagreeing, I just wondered if others had a concern.”

Having offered up a myriad of hints to our own bosses, you’d think we would be highly skilled at picking up subtle signs or cues that others aren’t in full agreement with our ideas. But when the stakes are high and our emotions kick in, our brain literally shuts down higher-level cognitive processing. While under the influence of adrenaline, we become blind to subtle clues. No matter the extent of the mounting opposition against us, we push our ideas onto others and eventually implement poorly evaluated ideas. This is why smart people do dumb things, because people in authority hear “yes” when others hint “no.”

So to avoid the future proliferation of your bogus brainchild ideas, what can you do to engage your nodar? Here are four strategies to help you better hear and manage “no”:

• Know the signs of disagreement. When people worry about the cost of disagreeing, they often pause while they figure out what to say to you. Pauses speak volumes. When you’re in a position of power, translate pauses from hesitance to a surefire “no.” Sometimes people will actually start to stutter or stammer as they speak their mind. This typically means, “Uh oh, how do I say ‘no’ without getting in trouble?” You must read fear as a sign that others are about to cover their rear ends. When people finally do speak their mind, they often hint that others may have problems with the idea. Translation: I have a problem with this idea. They may also resort to sugar coating their concerns. “It’s not a big deal, but maybe, and I’m not saying I know this for sure . . .” Translation: “This is a big deal.”  Realize that responses littered with lots of “maybes” and “perhapses” also suggests that people are frightened and holding back.

• Know your audience: Start your discussion about your latest pet project with your audience in mind—not your argument, but your audience. Are you the person in authority? Have these people typically been reluctant to disagree? Have they suffered under the reign of previous tyrants? All are signs that you’re going to have to pay close attention to subtle forms of “no.”

• Turn off the adrenaline: If you’ve become upset, it’s because you’ve told yourself an ugly story: others are being disrespectful; others want to see you lose; others want to cause you problems. Feeding off of your victim stories you prepare to fight or take flight and become blinded by the adrenaline your body so handily produces. Turn off the adrenaline by telling yourself a different story. Perhaps people are just trying to do what’s right. Perhaps they’re unaware of the problems they’re about to cause. Shut off the adrenaline by opening your eyes and your mind to healthier conclusions.

• Solicit no: Make your meeting or office a safe place for disagreement by openly asking for differing opinions. “I don’t want to move too quickly on this decision, let’s spend a minute or two critiquing this plan.” Play devil’s advocate. “I’ve just said my plan will work, but here are three concerns I have.” Thank people for disagreeing. “I’m glad you brought that up. We need to hear everyone’s ideas if we expect to make the best choice.”

Finally, don’t worry about becoming too weak. Once you’ve heard “no,” you don’t have to immediately back off or tactfully agree. However, having spotted others’ concerns, you’re now in a position to discuss both sides of the issue. And therein lays the source of your future success.

About the Author

Kerry Patterson is the coauthor of the New York Times bestsellers Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. He is also a sought-after speaker and consultant and cofounder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance.